Permission, Support, Courage


On Friday, I went to a SoulCyle class because it had been a year since I last hopped onto a bike and I finally felt “ready” to get back in the saddle. Clicking into the pedals, the nerves hit and I started to think that I made a mistake. Was I ready to really push myself? Was I awake enough to make this session “worth” the price of the entrance ticket? The instructor came in and started doing that thing that SoulCycle instructors do where they positive talk about goals, body image, and motivation. It may seem sappy but it was exactly the message that resonated most with me. As she turned out the lights and turned up the music, it hit me that almost a year ago to the day, I took my last SoulCycle class and I was not alone. Tucked inside  was baby Owen who seemingly slept through the rigorous class. I remember taking that final class and thinking about meeting my baby soon after, about what he would be like, what he would look like, and when he would arrive. It was hard to be on the bike with a bulging belly and it was weird to be back on that bike without one. That class had been for Owen. It was to give him a fit pregnancy, healthy environment, and ideally an easy delivery. This class was for me. The instructor Charlotte started to talk about three words: Permission, Support and Courage. And, I am not going to lie, I might have teared up a bit in class as she shared her message and as I reflected on all that happened in those 365 days since I last saw Charlotte.

After baby, looking in the mirror can be a little tough and rough. A deflated belly is hard to process. Shouldn’t everything just go back into place upon the little one’s arrival, no?  It was hard the first time with Henry to see the transformation that occurs in the postpartum period and it was just as hard the second time even though I had my previous knowledge. This is where Charlotte’s message about permission hit most. We don’t give ourselves enough permission to heal and be and recover. Often when grocery shopping, I will see a magazine cover that says something like “So and so is back to pre-baby body in just 2 weeks!” and she is lauded and praised and touted as the norm. Good for her! Seriously that is some impressive sh*t! But, I have learned for myself that I need to give myself permission. Permission to soak in all that just happened: I grew a human. This baby took over my entire body cavity. He moved all of my organs, he stretched out my skin, he took my nourishment, he grew strong and fat and pushed my bones to their limits. This is a point of pride! It took 9 months to get to that point and I need to give my body permission to heal and slowly return to a settled place. It is also so important to give permission to just be in awe: WOW.  And permission to not exercise until my body really feels ready to tackle that. And you know what, it might always be a little soft and a little “flabby” or it might always look like I have a “baby bump” but then again I did have two babies and my body will wear those experiences because I am only human.

Charlotte also shared a lot about support. When you are on a stationary bike you can let the wheel fly. This means not having any resistance and just allowing your legs to rotate freely and quickly as though you were sprinting along. This feels good but it is not always productive as you coast. When you add that resistance by turning the knob, Charlotte calls out “add support!” and then you feel the tension on the wheel and your legs have to work to rotate around that axis. You feel the support as though the ground became thicker and you muscles start to say hello. Mommying can be very isolating. Some nights when you are awake 3 or 4 times in the night with your baby you know that you need to be there for them and comfort them but you ache for sleep and I ached for someone to help me.  “What happens if you don’t stand in your own way,” Charlotte asks  “what would happen if you actually pushed yourself?” It took months for me to really ask for help with Owen’s sleep. I thought that with baby 2, I should just know how to get him to be comforted and to sleep. Working full-time and having a toddler on top of a new baby was a new equation. When I finally really let David in to support me at night, we all started to sleep better. Yes, David woke up and yes he cradled Owen and rocked him as Owen screamed into David’s face for what felt like hours, but Owen learned to be supported by David and I learned to be supported by David and we learned that we are WAY stronger when we work together than when we think “we got this” alone.

The class ended with Charlotte talking about courage. She had us working our way up a hill and adding more and more support to the bike when she said, “Are you giving it all you got? What would happen if you didn’t hold back? Maybe you would fall but you would learn something. You would learn how strong you are and how strong you can be!” Owen is working on walking. He fearlessly let’s go of the coffee table and takes a few steps. He falls a lot, he smashes his face sometimes on that table, but he smiles and tries again and again and he is getting better. You can see his balance improving, his steps becoming more confident, and his legs getting stronger. He is one courageous little dude. And sometimes we have to remember to take those steps too in life. To get out of our comfort zone. To give ourselves permission to try and to be courageous enough to get back into that saddle!

30 Weeks & 30 Weeks

The littlest member of our family is roughly the size of a large cabbage according to various fruit-baby comparison websites, haha. That is quite large! Have you been grocery shopping lately? A cabbage could feed a whole family and he still has more to grow, eek!

What is funny though is that this pregnancy is so similar and so different to Henry’s! I feel physically stronger, healthier, and more comfortable than when I was pregnant with Henry. And, at the same time that I say that, I did not have a difficult pregnancy with Henry. I feel like the bump is smaller this time around too, although perhaps I am delusional? I did think last time around that my body was “reabsorbing” the baby those last weeks of waiting for Henry to be born so delusional thoughts and this momma is not new territory! What do you think? IS there a difference? (and not just in the sleeping bags under mommy’s eye, haha).

30 Weeks

third trimester

No one told me that the second pregnancy is SO much faster than the first. When we were waiting for Henry, it felt like we were waiting and waiting and waiting. Like an elephant, I must have been pregnant for 22+ months. There were nights when David and I would just sit and stare at the bump waiting for something to happen. And then with Henry coming after his due date, the waiting gaming was brutal. We were so excited and also we were alone: just me and just David and just the dogs. Our nights were easy and filled with a whole lot of nothing much. Maybe some reading, some television watching, some knitting, some chatting, and some pj wearing occupied our nights which meant we had a lot of time to think about this baby joining us.

The second time around is so different! In some ways, I feel guilty for not being able to better savor this little bump and to better quietly connect with the little guy. Instead, our days are filled with workplace commitments and our nights are filled with the family time scramble. I get home at 4:20PM, rush into the house, snuggle Henry, engage with & feed the dogs, scramble to get into comfy cloths (because who wants to wear jeans, really?), heat up dinner, feed and entertain Henry during “dinner,” and race back out to get David from the train by 5:20PM. Once David is home, we eat dinner number 2 (which is usually a snack/dessert for the little man), play in the living room, bring Henry up for a bath, get him ready for bed, do stories, and just about collapse with him in his crib at 6:30/7:00PM. By 7:00PM, I am ready for bed, but trying to avoid the “lame” category, we stay up to cook dinner for the next night, have some time as a couple, and maybe sneak in a little Bachelor on Monday nights.

Just as I settle into bed, the littlest member of the family gives me a kick. It’s like he is saying, “Hey there busy lady, remember me?” And that is why I cannot believe we are in the third trimester already, and also why I totally understand how we are! Seeing that reminder pop up in my e-mail this morning was really needed today. I needed a reminder to slow down and savor this bump, to slow down and build in some time to connect with my little guy because before I know it he will be earth-side!

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stitch fix maternity & feeling awesome

I was skeptical. When Kaelin called me to ask, “What do you think of Stitch Fix?” Well I thought….why would I pay $20 a month for someone to shop for me. Being picky is my thing when it comes to my wardrobe selections. If I like the stylist’s selections then great, but if I don’t then aren’t I just throwing away $20 a month? And, what about the notion that I don’t have time for myself that comes along with Stitch Fix. Am I so far removed from my previous self that this new mommy version can only be clothed if the materials are shipped directly to my door?  In theory, I hated this idea of Stitch Fix.  But Kaelin did raise a lot of doubt for me, when she stressed the convenience and also the great fashions and styles that were arriving on the doorstep of her home.  Should I try it? But wait don’t forget I am pregnant so that means I just dress in tarps and spandex for the next nine months, no?

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I started to Google as one does when trying to justify changing one’s original theory. What were women out there saying about Stitch Fix. Was it worth the value of $20 a month. The reviews, not surprisingly, were positive. Then a miracle…they are carrying a maternity line! What!?  Okay so now it was time for a complete 180 on my position and I signed myself up. Despite having had a baby, I have no maternity clothes. I had borrowed everything previously from a friend and surprise she is pregnant now too. My gorgeous borrowed wardrobe is suddenly “occupied.”  So the door became fully open for Stitch Fix.

The process for signing up for the program is fun. You fill in a style profile, rank some outfits, and then write a little message to your stylist about what you are looking for. The the box arrives and voila you are suddenly truly convinced that this was an awesome deal. Out of my 5 items that arrived, I kept two and returned 3 very easily in their pre-packaged materials. And I feel a bit like a rockstar in my new digs!  #Stylishbump

Ready to try it too, check out this link here: Stitch Fix

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