flood, sweat, and tears

Does anyone else cry during a spin class?

No? Just me?

The instructor in this morning’s 9:30AM spin class was quite chipper. She had just finished the previous class and somehow remained sweat-less while dancing on her bike in front of this second class. Sitting in the dark, I patted myself on the back for finally getting my butt to the gym. What motivated me? The class was free. The lights were off, the music was some intense techno beat meant to amp us up, and I peddled along lagging behind the woman in front of me, but she was probably seventeen anyway.

Then Chelsea up at the front called out over the microphone: “It doesn’t matter why you walked through that door today, what matters is how you treat yourself now, how you push yourself to be stronger, and ask yourself how this mind shift will change your outlook on this day.” Now was this super inspiring? Not so much. But something about being in that room, on this morning, in the dark, made me burst into tears. Pretty grateful for the dim light and extra loud music, I felt myself turn the resistance dial up and start peddling as fast and as hard as my legs could go. The previous night Bella peed in our bed and while cleaning up that disaster the washing machine flooded and I felt helpless and exhausted in a pile of wet towels and up way past my bedtime. As my legs swirled around, I felt the tension I was still carrying in my shoulders from the night’s mishap untwist. This morning and every morning this week, Henry sobbed his eyes out and my heart broke during camp drop-off, and as I let my head hang down over the handlebars I felt the mom guilt I was shouldering peel back just a layer. I am not kidding, I felt myself getting faster and in some ways freer and I started to realize that no matter how much I told myself I love running because it was cheaper and easier, it wasn’t true. I do not like to run. I do not get this kind of intense mind/body rush with a dash of emotional heap like I do from anything else but this spinning class. Yes, this is dramatic but then I was crying in a 45 minute spin class so drama was the name of the game.

It felt so good to see that the free class nonchalance turned into some awakening. And then I realized that I had not been on spin bike since I was pregnant with Owen. Owen (in utero) and I went to spin every week and it felt amazing to be strong and to share my body and strength with him so intimately. It felt weird being on the bike today alone, and I think that is why I cried. Something deep down inside of me felt that before my mind realized it.

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