Things feel a bit hard today. The travel part of my Wisconsin weekend has tired me out. My luck was just not good with those flights (but, yes we landed safely and I am grateful for that, just not for the headaches associated). This helps contribute to the rawness of all things. And last night David got his official “zero” from the procedure and I feel a bit numb. It feels as though the progress I told myself I made in these past three months feels for naught now that the reality that the procedure worked was confirmed. I am not sure how I feel. I feel some relief that now we know and there is no more waiting game to play but I also feel alone, depressed, miserable and confused. I want to run away, I want to rewind and start this chapter of my life over again, I want to not feel like an ungrateful cry-baby. I feel like the decision was selfish on David’s part (but there is no real room for compromise, you cannot have half a kid). It just really sucks being the person to have to lose out on this decision. David gets what he wants, I get told be grateful, be happy, move on. I want to stew indefinitely, I want to be taken seriously, I want to be left alone. I want to feel like if I shared these feelings my friends and family would not be tired of hearing me AGAIN complain about my “problem.” I want to stop feeling crazy and to be able to quiet my mind. I want to believe that two kids are enough but I just know in my heart I will forever be missing someone…be missing that little person from my life.
Published by Melissa
What has happened here in four years? Well, you can check out the blog but for a speed-up review: two kids, two houses, a few cars, the same career but lots of new knowledge from practice and failure, some adventures to distant places, some fantastic stay-cations, and a bit of dabbling in new hobbies. As my Instagram handle notes: Coffee is my spirit animal. Mama covered in boys. Wife covered in kisses. Teacher covered under grading. Potter in the making. That sums it up for the most part! I hope you enjoy your visit and come back soon and often and share yourself too here in the comments. View all posts by Melissa