Almost a month ago I decided it was time to revisit my previously held fitness and nutrition goals.
Because I have this major responsibility right now to grow a human! And I was frustrated with myself. Growing said human comes with a number of illusions. Like the joy of motherhood will outweigh the aches and pains of body expansion.
In college, I spent my summers and holiday vacations working for Destination Maternity. An odd job choice I know. But working for anyone else would have led to the inevitable: spending all my money at Anthropologie or JCrew instead of actually saving it for college. So Destination Maternity was “perfect.” The clothes wouldn’t exactly appeal me to, unless having a baggy, saggy front was in style and I would spend my days helping happy and delighted mommies get comfy in their new wardrobe! Only the first was true. I saved a lot of money. The second however was the furthest from the truth. While yes these mommies were excited about their little addition on the way, they were by no means excited about their changing bodies. Most of my time on the floor was spent helping them into and out of their shoes, buttoning their pants, and assuring them that they looked beautiful (which they did!).
I thought to myself, I won’t be like them when it is my turn to grow a human, I will definitely be more comfortable in my skin and excited to shop for maternity clothes!
Unfortunately, I feel exactly like them. It is REALLY hard to watch your body, something you know so intimately, change. It is REALLy hard to not feel guilty about feeling unsettled, sad, nervous, upset about this change. Yes, there are joyous moments when you revel in the bump, but there are also some dark moments when you stand in front of the mirror and feel uncertain about how you feel in this new form (coupled with all the uncertainties of becoming a parent and, at least for me, anxiety settled in).
What I can’t do is stop these changes (and I really don’t want to because they are awesome and beautiful) or know what it will be like to have two little ones under two (although I really really wish I could). What I can do is be vulnerable, share, and challenge myself to feel positive, to feel strong, and to feel beautiful.
Doing a little workout each day after school is not easy. I would much prefer to curl up on my couch and watch the Bachelor with a BIG bag of goldfish or Twix, but making that commitment to 30 minutes every day has been powerful. I truly feel stronger, I truly feel happier, and I truly feel like I am doing my best to take care of me and this little dude on his way. I have to modify a lot (like planks and I are not best buds these days), but rolling out the mat each day is a challenge I am eager to accept and as someone obsessed with checking off to-dos, it feels really good marking that as “done” each night!